its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
