Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
