i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I intend to get homeless drunk
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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