i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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