sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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