If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
