Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
