My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
