I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
