Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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