I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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