oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
