We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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