Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
