how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
