we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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