How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm too high and old for this...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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