I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize