One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
