Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
