Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
