Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
