If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
