I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
