I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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