i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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