Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
