what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
