I must be too annoying 4 u.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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