kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
