i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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