I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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