I think my fart just growled at me.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
