i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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