the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
