it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
