I am puke
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
