the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
