the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
