is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
