I wish I could teleport
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
