I wish I could punch you in the face.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
