Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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