At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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