margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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