I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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