What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
