I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
