I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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