If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
