Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
