Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
