1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
