I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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