i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Randomize
