i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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