i don't like sucking hair
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Randomize
