i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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