Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
